It rained today. I clearly recollect that on some of the worst days of my life, Nature has wept with me. I walked around Green Lake today; in the rain; alone. I walked slowly, having pulled my hip out again yesterday (how, I’ll never know!). It was a “three Rosary walk”! I paused on the south side of the lake to watch ducks and stared at the millions of raindrops becoming part of the lake. When I was little, I often walked alone for long distances, sometimes playing and always crying. I never carried an umbrella then; no one could ever tell if the water on my face was rain or tears. I was always sad.
Sadness melted into the background and was replaced with “mad.” Then marriage and kids and for a wonderful and brief period of time all was glad. I had it all for awhile. Then, like Job, my soul brother, the Father slowly stripped me of joy and brought me to the present.
You well know the events of the past two years; no need to go into too much detail. Daughter turns eighteen; daughter goes nuts; daughter sins mightily; daughter blames everything on Mom. Son leaves home. Husband betrays wife. Little left by rainy days.
So now an update. “S”‘s “boyfriend” is gone; she is still on the Pill. She is probably in a deeper financial hole because she charges and charges and buys trash from some company called Victoria’s Secret: lingerie only a whore would wear. She even got herself a job with a modeling agency. Notice how she always does everything I warn her against? Well, I had a long talk with Fr. “Z” in the confessional Saturday. I can’t say much, but he did say she’s in deep psychological and spiritual trouble and has claimed emotional abuse as a child. He didn’t believe her and told me my reputation is clear and untarnished in his eyes. He knows she has targeted me as her whipping post and he recommended I allow it for awhile. She may get over this someday and I will continue to pray for her.
There is a passage in the Book of Revelation about how in the “last days” all that was hidden will become known. These have to be my last days, because I am finding out so many things.
Halleluia! What did I do??????? As I said on the phone . . . it sucks to be me! Yes, it has been a wild two years! But as the brilliant Fr. “Z” taught so well in his homily yesterday, once you’ve reached bottom, the only way is up!
I hope you can understand why I feel so uneasy about trusting anyone. But, call me gullible, I am still going to trust you. For the same reason I am still willing to give your father and sister one last chance. I love you all so much. But I’m only human and the Good Lord is testing me to the limits of my endurance; not much more left. Do you think the Carmelite sisters would take in a middle-aged sinner? Oh, well. Someday . . . can’t wait . . . I remain restless until I rest in Him. Praise the Lord, anyway!
I love you,