December 2, 1999: THE SUNSHINE THAT HAS GONE DOWN

Dear Dominic,

Enclosed find a list of Scriptural references condemning homosexuality.  Few people have ever spoken to God; He reveals Himself through prophets and saints and through His Son.  Therefore, Scripture is our means of knowing His Will and His Law for us all.  God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) condemns sodomy, etc. as “abomination.”  The proof is there; everyone knows it except those who are involved in it.  I pray every day God will open your eyes.  Fr. “Z” has said you have a good mind and a “sense of dignity” and he says someday, when you have hit bottom, wallowing in the filth of your perversion like a beast, you may wake up.  I hope so.  It is so sad.  You are so pathetic.  Your sister “S” tells us you are not even supporting yourself with work.  You are truly wasting your life, prostituting yourself to someone who makes good money.  He is lost.  Lost because he has no one to tell him what he is doing is wrong.  But I will continue to pray for you and hope that you will somehow save your soul.

My only gifts to you on your birthday are prayers.  Prayers from Carmel and another monastery.  Prayers from good priests and myself.  I will never support your lifestyle in any other way.  But I will always love you as the “apple of my eye,” the “sunshine” that has now gone down.  I am so sad.  Dad is so sad.  We no longer “live.”  We just keep busy until we die.  I hope I go first, and I hope I go soon.  Judging from the pathetic little note you sent (no “Love” at the end, designed to indicate, no doubt, your insincerity and lack of concern for us), we can only assume we shall not see you again.  But perhaps the merciful God will convert you and in eternity we will meet again.  If you ever decide to reform your life, you know we will welcome and help you.

Love,

Mom

November 7, 1999: I LIKE TO WEAR WOMEN’S CLOTHING

Mom and Dad,

What do you want me to say?

That I love Satan?  That I hate God?  That I worship the flesh?  That I love anal sex? That I have multiple anonymous partners every weekend at the local baths?  That I’m addicted to pornography?  That I’m pro-abortion?  That Friday nights are my excuse to party , take ecstasy and poppers, drink til I drop, and find my way home if I’m lucky?  That I love girly tea parties and antique shows?  That I like to wear women’s clothing?

WHAT?  WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!

What is the “lifestyle” you think I’m leading?  What is it that’s going through your head?  Do you think I like little kids?  That I molest them?  That I know child molesters?  That I love falsehood and lies and love teaching them to my students?  That I recruit boys and girls into the gay and lesbian ranks?

WHAT?  WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!

I dream about the two of you at least once a week.  At least in those dreams, I can sit at the same table with you, talk to dad about cars or bikes, lounge with mom with a good movie, argue, cry, discuss.  At least these dreams, unlike your irrational fantasies, had some basis in reality.  Nothing I’ve ever done or said has ever, could ever have, given you some of the ideas you probably have now.

Dominic

p.s. Don’t call me anymore.  I have, obviously, lost my ability to communicate.  Don’t call me, especially at 1 in the morning.

p.p.s. I’m sorry I called you at work the other day, Dad.  That must have sucked.  I heard about the earthquake while I was at a school meeting and was in a daze for about 5 minutes.  I knew you were probably alright, but I got worried.  I could tell, though, that you had no desire to speak to me.  I could have been talking to a stranger.

November 4, 1999: A COUPLE OF HOURS IN A COUPLE OF YEARS

Dear Dominic,

I’ve been thinking about your short visit—a couple of hours in a couple of years.  It was hell for us all.  I wish it could have been different.  We are all suffering so much and it will not end until you give up your “lifestyle.”  Such horrible sin.  Yet, I feel so sorry for you—for all you’re missing.  I know you don’t see it that way, but someday you will.  I only hope it won’t be too late.

My poor son—someday you will be very sick.  Nothing you do will prevent it.  HIV/AIDS, STDs . . . only chastity can prevent it.  If it is not already too late!  But you can come home if you want to—I’d never turn you away if you were repentant.  Terminal illness has a way of making one think.  I feel so sorry for you—all your gifts wasted in sin!

But I’m writing to tell you I’m sorry about the visit.  Your dad thinks you look down on him and, poor dad, he can’t stomach what you’re doing; it makes him so sick.  And me, well, I’m sick all the time, too—and angry and sad.  So, being loving and patient and understanding is hard when you’re in agony.

But this is your home if you want it and are willing to give up your sin and reform your life.  And we hope if you’re in town you’ll come to see us.  But it’s difficult with my brother here  Well, my prayers are always with you and for you—and I will always love you.

Love,

Mom

September 8, 1999: HOOK, LINE, & SINKER

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER | September 8, 1999

Dear Dominic,

Thank you for your letter.  It certainly has clarified most acutely our dilemma.  Both your father and I have read it and we are absolutely united in the following response: You are totally irrational and it will be impossible to communicate with you in any way from now on.  You have lost the Faith—no one can rage against the Church and not be outside of Her.  You have bought the psychologically stunted fantasy world of the homosexual agenda hook, line, and sinker.

We, too, are tired of your crap!  We have done everything we can to appeal to logic and love and family and you have countered by attempts to divide-and-conquer and other forms of emotional blackmail.  You have failed.  We will not tolerate your reprehensible behavior, your attacks on us and the Church.

Mom and Dad

August 31, 1999: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

Mom,

You are the ones who choose to ignore my existence.

Yes, I’ve grown used to ignoring your existence, too.  I’ve made little effort to contact you.  I’m almost completely numb.  It’s not that I don’t remember what it was like to still respect you for your convictions and for your “unconditional” love.  It’s not that I don’t regret the times I didn’t reach out to get to know dad or the times I’d blow my stack.  But somehow, yes, I am ignoring you.

What’s the use?  I don’t even know why I’m writing this, to tell you the truth.  I’ve only ever been met with maps to your house, apocalyptic tapes from evangelical preachers, returned letters (either with red commentary or ripped up), and Ignorance posing as Truth.  All you’ve ever needed was to see something in print or on a tape to “know” that it was “true.”  You’ve never sought to know me apart from your memories of me as “that loving boy” and what psychologists and theologians (people you’ve never even met before) say about me.

I know the world is in crisis.  I’m not stupid.  But “all hell has been breaking loose” for thousands of years.  I guess I’m not surprised.  And I know that there are “agendas” out there.  You’re certainly part of an “agenda.”  But I’m certainly not part of any “homosexual agenda.”  Contrary to reputation, the “gay community” is not a united front like the century’s old Agenda of your Holy Roman Catholic Church.  You’ve got to be kidding me; the sad thing is, you’re not.  I wish that one day I’ll just wake up and you’ll really be kidding me.

I can’t come home.  I don’t think you really want me home.  I wish I could, but I have a home, a life, a vocation here that you care nothing about.  I wouldn’t feel welcome in your “home.”  You’ll never welcome me again, anyway, until I change.  What kind of “home” is that?  Home isn’t just where your parents are—that’s impossible for you to realize.

Blah, blah, blah.  It’s not like you’ve never heard this before.  It’s not like I’ve never heard your stuff before, either.

Sometimes I wish we could all just die and get it over with.  Good grief.  Thanks for making me think crap like that.  At least I don’t really mean it.  I think you do.    And that, like most of you, is sad.

I don’t know what I would do if you died.

Dominic

August 15, 1999: WILL YOU BE A STATISTIC?

Dear Dominic,

Well, we assume from your silence that you are further distancing yourself from us.  No time, perhaps, what with work, partying, and your “social life”!  And probably my last letter pissed you off.  Good.  But I rather think you care less and less.  You’re sinking fast.  Well, when you live in horrible mortal sin for any length of time, you get used to the stench.  You don’t notice the muck as much!  I would be willing to bet your mind and soul are in torment!  I hope so.  If they’re not, you are forever lost!

Your sister improves all the time—she really examines her conscience, admitting more and more to the sins and errors of her life and trying very hard to reform and be completely united once again with her God and family—unlike you.  As a matter of fact, she is leaving Sacramento on September 12 and returning to Washington.  Dad is going down to help her move back; she’ll stay with us until she has a job and gets her own place.  Deo Gratias!

And you—will you be a statistic of the AIDS epidemic?  Will we lose you at a young age and probably forever?  You are throwing away all your gifts on evil perversion—you must walk away now—no, run!—leave it all—it’s so easy once you admit your error and ask for God’s forgiveness and help.  We love you—come back to God and us and complete the family.

Mom

July 23, 1999: WHY DON’T YOU SAVE THIS CARD

Dear Dominic,

1.

I just got off the phone with “S” and, as usual, I asked if she had heard from you, etc.  She said you think we don’t want anything to do with you…Well, you’re a liar now, too!

For six years we’ve been begging you to give up the horrible, sinful, filthy life you are living…to live a chaste life away from temptation like everyone else must do unless married!  But no, you insist on your perversions!  Well, I won’t let you lie to your sister and attempt to give her the idea that it is us who have rejected you.  It is you who have rejected us along with any semblance of normalcy and decency!

2.

Psalm 36: “Sin speaks to the sinner in the depths of his heart.  There is no fear of God before his eyes.  He so flatters himself in his mind that he knows not his guilt.  In his mouth are mischief and deceit.  All wisdom is gone.  He plots the defeat of goodness as he lies on his bed.  He has set his foot on evil ways, he clings to what is evil…”

Tobit 13: 1-8: “When you turn back to Him with all your heart, to do what is right before Him, then He will turn back to you and no longer hide His face from you…”

3.

We have tried so hard to make you understand that this shameful lifestyle is totally unacceptable.  We want you but we cannot accept the sin–the shameful, dangerous sin that will destroy your life and send you to hell…It sickens us daily, yes daily, to think of you lying in bed with AIDS and then being forever separated in hell!  But no matter how you try to disbelieve what I say that is exactly what will happen if you continue this way much longer.  You have put us through unspeakable misery!  Daily misery!  And you don’t care one bit.  Only about yourself and what you want or what you can’t do or can’t give up–you miserable weakling!  We have never rejected you–but never will we accept the filth of homosexuality!!  And I will not allow you to mislead your sister.  She, at least, is trying very hard to reform her life and repair and repent.  But she always did have guts!  Which is more than I can say for you.  Why don’t you save this card to use against us in the future.  Again, again I say–it is you who reject us and you did it a long time ago!  It is you who don’t want anything to do with us because then you’d have to make a choice to give up your sin and lead a good life.  It is YOU, not us.

May God forgive you.

You’ve destroyed all happiness in our lives and you will be justly punished.  Give it up before God really punishes you!

Love,

Mom

May 14, 1999: YOU SHOULD, YOU MUST

Dear Dominic,

Thank you for the Mother’s Day card.

What must you do to gain God’s merciful forgiveness and help?

First, you must give it up!  Give up the sin!  And give up the sin you must open your eyes and see its evil.  You must hate the sin enough to give it up.  Then, only then, when the Lord sees you are ready to do your share in the process of conversion, will He graciously help and forgive you.

You must leave the person you’re living with and live alone for awhile.

You should come home where you will have the moral support to sustain your efforts at reformation of life.

You should at least live in solitude, which can be good for the soul, leaving you to concentrate on God alone.

You must never have another relationship with a male.

You must go to confession to a good priest (there must be at least one in Wisconsin!).  If a priest tells you you’re not sinning, he’s a liar from hell!

You must give this all up—there must be a total transformation.  You must be a “new man.”  Put on Christ.  You don’t need anyone but Him!

Love always,

Mom

May 1, 1999: YOU’RE NOT MAN ENOUGH

Dear Dominic,

Returning your clippings in the event you wish to use them against us (me) again at some point in the future.  (The comments were probably written during one of my frequent bouts of anger and frustration and depression, thank you very much!)

Fighting in a war does not make one a man, but it certainly can test one’s mettle!  And bravery in combat does have nobility and, perhaps, purgation as a reward.  I really have nothing more to say.  I have not forgotten “how”; there simply is no longer any use.  You never listen and you’re not man enough to “fight the good fight,” to overcome your own personal weakness and sin by resisting Satan and his works.

Though I pray for you constantly, you and your sister and father and my brother, I simply have nothing more to say.  All four of you do what you damn well want to anyway, with no regard for anyone else.  Oh, well.

I’m tired of it all.  Ready to go home.  Come, Lord Jesus, come!  May God have mercy on you.

Mom

April 3, 1999: WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN

Dear Dominic,

You have destroyed our family—you had health, looks, intelligence, talent, education, and so many more gifts and potential to serve your God and contribute to the family, but you’ve thrown it all away.

There is not much time left.  We may not be able to communicate in any way soon—all avenues will be cut off.  You just won’t listen, so there is nothing I can do.  You have hurt us so bad, but we still love you.  We were always an afterthought to you—bottom of the barrel.  Well, all your wonderful acquaintances will desert you when the shit hits the fan and society will get rid of all “undesirable elements”—LOOK AT HISTORY!  It will repeat itself with a vengeance.  The Lord is coming back soon.

There is no human person I love more than you, but I also love Dad and “S” so much.  Someday you will cry bitterly—you will be utterly devastated when your eyes are opened to your own sin—Praise the Lord!  But I probably won’t see it from this side.  God help you!

Love forever,

Mom